Fear

 How are we going to do this? The fear is almost paralyzing. My thoughts scrabble around the sides of this muddy hole for days. Beyond the hole’s rim is a steep mountain with a cloud-enveloped summit. I can’t grasp a rope, a root, a handhold. My thoughts sink into the pit every moment another human is not speaking to me.

“Are you ok?” My husband’s question rang out. Light flashed into the barren sinkhole, and I realized my mind’s eyes had been closed. “No. I am not ok.” What a relief to realize it.

 Of course, my broken brain machine had slipped me into a depressive thought pattern. I recognize this place. I stumbled into a stronghold the enemy loves to use against me. But this time I know the way out. I open my eyes to Truth. Proverbs 16:9 ESV “The heart of a man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.” Steps. He won’t draw me a map. He will show me the steps. And there is the first handhold.

This situation is embarrassing. Hiding in a hole has genuine appeal. We prayed that we would be in God’s will and believed He would honor our desire to follow Him. Notwithstanding, it’s hard to listen to God’s voice when the screams of your drowning dream for a child are roaring in your ears, and the panic is making it hard to breathe. I can’t ever feel confident that we made the right choice… Slipping... Truth. Romans 8:28 ESV “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose.” Right choice. Wrong Choice. Doesn’t matter. God was in control. And He still is. Foothold. Step. Arms pull. Legs push. My eyes peer over green blades of grass. Daylight Truth pours over the landscape into my eyes and I’m dazzled.

I’m overwhelmed by the wisdom He offers and the options before me. Now I have to choose. Eyes dart. There is fear again. But this time I realize the fear isn’t the pit. It’s just one thought. I won’t build it into a barren well of many bricks of fear and hide in it. Truth. 1 Peter 5:6 NIV “Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time.” “Father. Guide. I can’t carry this brick. It’s too heavy for me. Will you hold this?” When I hand Him this fear there is an agitating vacuum in me. I can feel it physically, drawing me towards it. But He holds it. He gives to that vacuum more Truth. Isaiah 40:31a NIV “those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles.” He names our arrangement: God-carrying-my-fear-because-I-can’t is Hope. And yes, Lord, it does feel like flying.